FROM WHAT REALLY WENT ON THERE, WE ONLY HAVE THIS EXCERPT...
By Lex Marburger
I had been writing for another paper, Et Cetera, and at the final party I was introduced to Scott. He'd been drinking, I'd been drinking. He was in his eyeliner phase, so the impression I got was of this slightly creepy, far-too-confident skinny guy who staggered a lot. Whatever. I had seen Lollipop, and I knew it had shoddy layout, and inconsistent reviews. At least the fiction was good..
I went to the "office", which turned out to be his living room, where people were stretched out over every conceivable piece of furniture. Scott handed me a few things and sent me on my way, inviting me to the next party. Seemed innocent enough.
When [name deleted] and I got there, the beer was flowing freely, the amphetamines were scattered about, and the air still had that rich green scent. I really didn't know anyone, but that didn't seem to matter, especially after more than a few beers. Conversations were quick and erratic, thoughts strewn about like mental confetti. When I was introduced to [name also deleted] and [this one, too], two women, the conversation took a turn for the stranger and soon, inevitably, the talk turned to sex. When Scott stumbled up and entered the group, it all soon degenerated into [this portion of the tape has been inadvertently erased], and we didn't end up leaving until five in the morning. Needless to say, I suddenly grew a liking to Lollipop.
That's the way it went for a while. I'd do some writing, go to the parties, [this section was confiscated by the FBI], and then somehow manage to wake up in my own bed (or at least a bed). Once, after [freelancer's name omitted brought over a bottle of Goldschläger, which was subsequently mixed with Jägermeister, I realized I had serious trouble walking and crashed into and fell on [name withheld pending legal notification], as well as the fence, sidewalk, and car. I found out that [substance unknown] is very hard to clean off of leather pants.
Then there have been the times when bands such as [name withheld for tax purposes] have shown up to molest women and try to set fire to the office, not to mention when [name omitted at parent's request] swept an entire table clean for [they didn't want us to let you know who they were] to do a little lambada/ballet pirouette number. In the past two years, I've seen [court case pending], [violation of local ordinance], [topographically unfeasible], not to mention more [lies, I tell you, all lies!] than I can count.
I made my way up the Lollipop vine, as others stomped the grapes. [data not found] soon left, as did [invalid entry]. That left just me, Scott, and [names lost in the shuffle], and we struggled to keep our fingers in the proper dikes (think Holland, pig). Almost two years now, and I still can't completely remember what happened to [name undergoing validity check], or why I keep getting bizarre messages on my answering machine.