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Jesus Christ | Vampire Hunter | review | dvd | Lollipop

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

by Scott Hefflon

Jesus Christ knows kung fu! And battles vampires. Many of them lesbians, which is why they can walk around in daylight. Or something. Jesus also rides a Honda scooter, cut his hair, trimmed his beard to sideburns, pierced his ears, and got some hip threads.

In Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, there are brief (and painful) musical numbers, bad sound syncing (but anyone who's watched kung fu movies is used to that), but when atheists come streaming out of a jeep like clowns from a VW Bug and Jesus beats all their asses to bad techno, it's all good. The movie's set in Canada, you really expect it to make much sense? Jesus is joined by a sex-hungry Mary in a shiny red jumpsuit, but she gets bitten, Jesus gets his butt stomped, and he's cleaned up by a cross-dresser. Jesus mopes a bit over lunch, but gets advise from a bowl of ice cream with cherries. Jesus must seek out an ally in El Santos, a Mexican wrestler, cuz, logically, who else could stand beside Jesus in a fight against lesbian vampires? And where better to stage a battle than at a hipster bar, Jesus "slaying 'em" after a killer drum solo? He breathes the effects of lunch's extra garlic sauce on one lost soul, blesses a beer and spits into the faces of others, uses pool cues, a plunger, and a crutch as the need arises, and El Santos uses toothpicks and darts as stakes thru the hearts of his attackers.

An interesting concept comes when a "converted" priest states to Jesus "You rose from the dead, and so did they. You promised eternal life, and so did they." Hmmm... But then a sadistic, entrail-nunchuck plastic surgeon and female wrestlers enter the fray, so the mayhem continues... After the battle, Jesus brings back to life El Santos' lesbian girlfriend (turns out she's bi, which makes El Santos very, very joyous unto the Lord), and Jesus also saves Mary (who, as a vampire, attacked him on a dirtbike in the final battle in the junkyard, which is metaphoric, I think) and her new lover, the Gothy vampire lesbian who kicked her ass and killed the priest with the liberty spikes and G.B.H. jacket on the beach in one of the first scenes. Winding down, Jesus says some wise shit in a park until one of the apostles calls him on his cell phone, and then the credits roll to the Kiss-like theme song with the chorus "It's all good, it's all right, every body gets laid tonight." Bloopers and outtakes round out the spectacle, ending with girls kissing, as all religious kung fu vampire lesbian movies should.
(PO Box 280 Oaks, PA 19456)

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