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Cooking With Pornstars | review | dvd | Lollipop
Cooking With Pornstars
By Brian Varney
Though it isn't the sort of movie you go into expecting to have universal truths revealed to you, there is one scene in American Pie that does just that. Near the beginning of the movie, Jim (can't remember the actor's name he's the guy who fucks the pie) is watching scrambled porn and, uh, pleasuring himself with a tube sock. Though unable to see anything, he's listening to the porn chick's moaning and groaning, trying desperately to get off when in comes the porn guy, moaning and saying stupid stuff as porn guys are apt to do. Drawn back from his reverie, Jim looks disgustedly at the TV and says, "Dude, will you shut up?" Universal truth: Guys in porn movies are stupid and frequently annoying and even more frequently ruin any sort of enjoyment there is to be had.
This scene is what immediately came to mind when I popped in Cooking With Pornstars. It's not really porn, but you get plenty of fake naked boobies and the male/female relationships are roughly the same as in real porn movies, i.e. the women are hot and the guy is annoying. The first time you see host Colin Malone, he's wearing a Monster Magnet t-shirt, so I figure the guy's probably OK. The first segment is with Houston, who's famous for rolling the dice with death and VD alike by sharing the love with 500 guys at the same time. The blonde blow-up/Barbie doll look with flotation device-type breasts isn't really my thing, but I figure this could be amusing anyway. However, in no time, I'm leaning forward on the couch, my mind flashing back to American Pie as I yell "Dude, will you shut up?" at the TV. And the preponderance of talk, and the lack of "action," as it were, had me reaching for the other DVD.
I wasn't expecting much by this point, so imagine my surprise when I found myself enjoying Colin's Sleazy Friends, a "best of" of Mr. Malone's TV show. Though I've never heard of the show, it would seem, by the host of celebrities and hipsters who appear on the DVD and claim to be fans, plenty of others have. Featuring a fatter, greasier, and altogether sleazier Colin than the cooking DVD, Colin's Sleazy Friends features appearances by rock stars (Glenn Danzig, Kid Rock, Tool, and Tenacious D, among others), actors (Seth Green, Corey Feldman, the guys from Mr. Show, the guys from The Man Show, Margaret Cho, and Janeane Garofolo, as well as others), and, natch, a bunch of porn stars. Topics of conversation are pretty much what you'd expect (buttsex and any necessary preparations for such), but for whatever reason, Colin seems much more in his element here. It also helps that the other guests are quite entertaining as well, thereby taking the brunt of the responsibility away from the pornstars, who themselves are not always the most entertaining folks when they're not being plugged simultaneously in every orifice. I don't wanna sound like I'm saying that all pornstars are idiots 'cause I honestly don't know, but I am saying that the majority of the comic highlights (and they are not in short supply) on this DVD come from the celebrity guests and from Colin himself. Regardless, I definitely need to find out more about this show...