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Garbage Pail #52

Garbage Pail

by various writers
illustrations by various artists

Coming Distractions

by Matt Sullivan
illustration by Ans

Ain’t It Cool?
The Harry Knowles biopic, sure to get some publicity on that website of his. The tagline: “When a fan becomes a player, rules get broken.” Phillip Seymour Hoffman, in a Nutty Professor-style fat suit with make-up by Rick Baker, plays the website gossip guru. Witness the excitement when Harry gets a scoop: “Oscar nominees, hacked from the ABC server! Go with it! Let’s do this!”

Win Weinsteins’ Money
It’s Miramax: The Game Show: The Movie! It’s another heist of the zeitgeist for trend-surfers Bob and Harvey, as they (and maybe even you!) cash in on the game show trend. Quentin Tarantino begat Kevin Williamson begat Ehren Kruger begat... you?

Free Mumia
Will the Academy give him a fair trial? Norman Jewison directs. Rage Against The Machine does the soundtrack. Malcolm Jamal-Warner is Mumia Abu-Jamal. Mumia Abu-Jamal is guilty.

The Gun Has No Clothes*
*But That’s Normal, Since Guns Don’t Normally Wear Clothes
Hollywood’s self-referential, postmodern meta-madness hits its logical nadir in this parody of the Naked Gun movies. Leslie Nielsen plays Leslie Nielsen playing Frank Drebin, and, upon seeing a stuffed beaver, quips “oh, so this is supposed to be the part where I make some sort of sexual innuendo.”

Perfect Strangers: The Movie
In the grand tradition of The Mod Squad and The Wild Wild West, it’s yet another bad TV show made into an even worse movie. Robin Williams is “Cousin Larry,” Roberto Benigni is “Balki.” Wacky antics ensue; scenery gets chewed like Bubbalicious.

French Kruller
Stick it up your... yeah! After the success of American Pie, it’s time that the girls got a pastry-fucking movie of their own. This one won’t forget about foreplay: in a nod to Alexander Portnoy, one must “make love” to your liver (or at least deep-tongue kiss your broccoli) before you get to screw your dessert.

The Right Stuff

by Mitchell Greentower

A survey published yesterday in this month’s New England Journal of Medicine concludes that media coverage of new drugs is overly optimistic, that benefits are exaggerated and side effects downplayed. On many occasions, financial ties between the researchers interviewed and the medicines they touted were not disclosed in news stories.

This is hardly the case for illicit drugs, like marijuana for instance, which cannot be patented in its present form. But someday soon you may see an article like this:

A Maryland scientist has implanted cannabis genes in a flock of geese, resulting in the production of green buds within the turds of the familiar migratory birds. These turds, when ingested, can be used in the treatment of glaucoma and other illnesses. The technique was perfected by Wayne Waxman, a geneticist at Du Pont Biotechnics. In addition to glaucoma, the leafy turds, when smoked, reduce the nausea suffered by AIDs patients and those undergoing chemotherapy. Heavy ingestion of the turds can also reduce high testosterone levels, which may be helpful in the treatment of aggressive criminals and sex offenders, as well as school children with behavioral problems. For many, the genetically-altered turds elevate mood and may be useful in the treatment of depression and other mental illnesses, according to Waxman. NASA is also looking into applications of the new drug in reducing the tedium of space travel for their astronauts. The turds appear to be nonaddictive and have no known side effects but, because of their mild psychoactive properties, will be available only by prescription.
Mitchell Greentower is editor of amabong.com

Names Changed to Protect the Cheesy

by Matt Sullivan

What’s in a name change? For celebrities that’ve spent years trying to build up name recognition, there’s usually two reasons: symbolically separating yourself from an embarrassing but lucrative past, or trying to give yourself a veneer of “I’m an adult thespian now” class. Sometimes, we accept this. Larry Fishburne wants to be called Lawrence? Anything you say, Morpheus. Other times, it’s not so simple. Below, a few recent child stars try to change their names to protect the guilty, as we decide whether to let them off the hook.

The Artist Formerly Known As:
Joey Lawrence
Now Wants To Be Known As:
Joseph Lawrence (as he is called in the credits of Urban Legend 2, no less.)
Do We Accept The Name Change?
Please. What’s next, Anthony Danza? Does his Gimme A Break co-star Nell Carter still call him Joey? What about Blossom? Then we’re still calling him Joey.

The Artist Formerly Known As:
Ricky Schroder
Now Wants To Be Known As:
Rick Schroder.
Do We Accept The Name Change?
Sure, we’ll call him Rick. It’s not like he’s asking us to call him “Sir Richard.” As long as he spares us the ass-baring NYPD Nude scenes to prove that he’s “all grown up.”

The Artist Formerly Known As:
Charlie Sheen.
Now Wants To Be Known As:
Charles Sheen.
Do We Accept The Name Change?
It’d be another thing entirely if he wanted to be called what his mama named him, Carlos Estevez, but “Charles”? No way -- you’re a bad man, Charlie Sheen.

Believe It or Not!

Eerie similarities between George Bush and George Bush

by Mitchell Greentower
illustration by Dave Dawson

George Bush’s parents named him George.
George Bush’s parents did the same thing.

George Bush is the son of a prominent politician.
So is George Bush.

George Bush went to Andover Academy.
So did George Bush.

George Bush went to Yale.
So did George Bush.

George Bush played varsity baseball at Yale.
George Bush owned the Texas Rangers.

As a fighter pilot in the Navy, George Bush defended our country in the Asian Pacific during World War II.
As a fighter pilot in the Air National Guard, George Bush defended the Asian Pacific in our country during the Viet Nam Conflict.

George Bush was shot down and missing in action for a short time.
While not shot down, George Bush was missing from the National Guard for a whole year.


George Bush made a fortune in the oil business in Texas.
So did George Bush.

George Bush believes that, with a little luck, a lot of pluck, and a Rolodex, an African-American or Mexican-American could move to Texas and make a fortune in the oil business, too.
So does George Bush.

George Bush was the United States’ first Ambassador to Communist China.
When asked last year, George Bush guessed correctly that the President of Taiwan was: “Lee, I think?”

George Bush promised not to raise taxes.
George Bush promises not to raise taxes.

George Bush calls Barbara Bush “Mommy.”
George Bush used to do the same thing.

George Bush is “a lot smarter than people gave him credit for.”
Likewise, George Bush is “a lot smarter than people give him credit for.”

George Bush selected as his running mate a rich, Mid-Western Protestant white guy named Senator J. Danforth Quayle.
George Bush is leaning toward a rich, white Mid-Western Protestant white guy named Senator J. Danforth as his running mate.

George Bush was Ronald Reagan’s rival in 1980.
George Bush is Ronald Reagan’s heir in 2000.

It’s uncanny.

Mitchell Greentower is editor of amabong.com

 


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