Lollipop Magazine is being rebuild at LollipopMagazine.com. Lollipop.com is no longer updated, but the archive content will remain until 2018 (more or less).
Check out our new site!
MTV Celebrity Deathmatch | review | compilation | Lollipop
MTV Celebrity Deathmatch
by Scott Hefflon
Sometimes I don't even know why I bother... Angry little fuckers like me can bitch all we want, it ain't gonna change shit. Major labels skim the top of the genre, throw absurd amounts of money at occasionally decent bands, and the uninformed lap it up like Jack Daniels' mother's milk. Fuckin' sheep. Why would one even bother to try to set 'em straight? Lack of education is something they're proud of goddamn it, and I've had my ass kicked too many times to wanna out-name-drop a handful of fiercely loyal fans of barrel-scrapers. Yet here I am, preaching to the converted - anyone who actually bothers to read this 'zine is most likely not the enemy, the true enemy being dipshits from suburbs no one's ever heard of who actually think songs on the radio weren't bought and paid for, disgusting mega-tours (Woodstock, Ozzfest, Warped, pick yer travesty) are representative of anything other then who has money at their back, and inbred losers who, despite their leave-me-alone government politics, are all too eager to believe the bullshit shoveled by the advertising vessels some might mistake for news sources.
That snarled, all three of these soundtracks have a few goodies by a few faves, but there's a lot of newcomers who, when you get down to it, just plain fuckin' suck. Yet "the kids" love 'em, or that's what we're led to believe. Someone somewhere is buying it (and buying into it), and that's such a shame, cuz there's FAR better stuff lurking in the shadows, wishing someone would shine the freakin' spotlight on them for a change. But dues have to be paid, asses have to be kissed, and most bands probably don't wanna seem like ingrates when some unworthy stars deign to get talked into letting someone good open for them. Can we open the door of communication, please? Slaughter the sacred cows, call a fuckin' spade a spade, an overrated, shitty band an overrated, shitty band? Christ, all this pussyfooting is killing (not to mention clogging) the scene, and it devalues the good stuff to co-exist harmoniously with the complete garbage. No one wants to speak ill of "the big guys," and that kinda thinking goes against the fierce nature of the beast, right?
My conscience is not for sale.
Heavy Metal Fakk2 surprisingly ain't bad, seeing as the label (Restless) hasn't been worth jack shit in a long, long time. Opening with F.A.K.K. U, either a fake band, a combo, or whatever, it sets the stage for the roaring nü metalfest to follow. And while I'm glad Monster Magnet is finally getting their just desserts, I'm always surprised mouth-breathing metalheads actually understand their almost-spiritual vibe. I'm not gonna bother with a track by track insult/praise cuz most of it should be obvious (if you think about it). Pleasant surprises include System of a Down (who're so jerky/intriguing, like the Dead Kennedys of metal, I thought for sure they'd go over most of the genre's shaggy heads), Queen of the Stoned Age (who I like in concept more than in actuality, but I'm glad to get something other than nü metal on this platter), Puya (who have the "groove" the kids want, but the sense to work tribal beats in without sounding like white-bread wanna-bes who listened to Sepultura too many times), Billy Idol (who's outta place and out-matched, but it's good to hear him again), and Bauhaus (the dark lords themselves. If you ever wondered where most of these black-clad creampuffs got their first taste of cheese, this is it. Silly, legendary, pompous, and gaudy, all rolled into one.). And the rest on this 74 minute slab are either industrial, nü metal, rapcore, electrometal, or some variation therein: MDFDM, Pantera, Zilch, Insane Clown Posse & Twiztid, Days of the New, Sinisstar, Machine Head, Full Devil Jacket, Hate Dept, Apartment 26, and Coal Chamber.
MTV Celebrity Deathmatch has the good graces to throw in a bit of rock, metal, and Goth amidst the disposable hip-hopcore (or whatever), but it can't save this dog. Celebrities I'd like to see in a deathmatch: Marilyn Manson, Xzibit, Eminem, Powerman 5000, Canibus & Rakim, Shuvel, Sevendust, The Last Emperor, Bif Naked, The Wondergirls, Kool Keith, Rob Zombie, Primus, Liars Inc., and Lit.
The Crow: Salvation, as non-suck as this collection of hotshots is, it's just another example of flogging a very, very dead horse and raping the remains. While neither the Scream nor The Crow serieses seemed to learn their lesson after having horrible sequels, I hear Scream3 ain't bad. But I have zero faith in The Crow ever coming close to matching the original, which purists say was crap, but purists always say that. I find myself strangely drawn to The Matrix and its soundtrack again and again, but that could just be a lesser-of-two-evils scenario (meaning, duh, that while not perfect, The Matrix - both the movie and the soundtrack - offered a fresh take, some new ideas, and will probably be beaten into the ground with lousy sequels cuz that's the way of the world). The Crow: Salvation is smart enough to offer rock as well as dark metal and electronic music. And as with everything else, the gems are pretty easy to pick, as are the piles of steaming dogshit. You be the judge of which is which. Searching for salvation: Filter, Rob Zombie, The Infidels featuring Juliette Lewis (lyrics from Natural Born Killers kinda randomly layered over a throbbing beat - cool idea, but rather dull zone-out driving music when you get down to it), Kid Rock, Hole, The Flys, Monster Magnet, Sin, Tricky, Days of the New, Pitchshifter, Stabbing Westward, The Crystal Method, Static X featuring Burton C. Bell of Fear Factory covering Ministry's early '90s industrial metal hit "Burning Inside" (powerful at the time - though kinda boring when you think about, which we didn't - and it's weakened here), New American Shame (Atlantic's version of Dreamwork's Buckcherry), and Danzig.