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Garbage pail #51

Garbage Pail

Animal Wrongs

by Matt Sullivan
illustration by Dave Dawson

The animal-rights movement faces its toughest challenge yet - stopping animal-on-animal violence.

It was the taboo topic no one in the animal-rights movement dared discuss - too radical even for the radicals. Yet animal-on-animal violence kills more animals than hunting and scientific experimentation combined. "It's so much easier - and more fun - to bust-up university labs and throw blood on people wearing fur," concedes one top PETA official. "It's a lot more difficult to address the genocide going on in the animal community."

But now, one pioneering activist has made stopping the violence in the wilderness his "pet" cause. Dan Cassidy is the heart, brain, body and soul behind what critics dub the "Increase the Peace Among the Beasts" crusade. It's hard to question Cassidy's credentials - this is the man, after all, whose college thesis argued that cave people were morally wrong to wear fur ("not holding Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons ethically accountable for their actions is condescending," he wrote). Cassidy's legacy was furthered when he convinced legions of vegetarians to add anything that even suggested it was an animal - Animal Crackers, Goldfish, Gummi Bears - to their list of dietary no-nos.

When I meet Dan Cassidy, he is lying naked in the deep forest, swarmed by mosquitoes. The mosquitoes land on his body and bite him by the hundreds. "Humans are part of the food chain, and I accept this," he offers, "so three times a week, I give them an 'all you can eat' special."

It seems hypocritical of you, I say, since you're trying to stop lions from eating gazelles. Isn't that the food chain? "Lions have options; their violence is taught by the jungle culture," Cassidy argues, "I'm looking forward to the challenge of helping lions 'go vegan'."

Cassidy and his cohorts face various obstacles, not the least of which are Mother Nature's baser instincts. "It's going to take a lot of protests and demonstrations to get this point across to all species," he speculates. Also high on Cassidy's agenda is stopping the "snuff films" the rest of us call nature documentaries. "The Discovery Channel should be V-chipped," he snaps.

If anyone can pull this off, it's Cassidy. "Hopefully, one day we can stop all cannibalism among Earth's creatures," he dreams aloud. In fact, Cassidy is so confident in his resolve that he's already planning his next life-saving endeavor. "Let's put it this way," he says, "Plants are people, too."

Pancakes of the World, Unite!

The A-Z of Crepes
by Alex Dunbar

I.A.O.P. (International Apartment of Pancakes)
I.B.O.P. (International Box of Pancakes)
I.C.O.P. (International Cave of Pancakes)
I.D.O.P. (International Dungeon of Pancakes)
I.E.O.P. The concept of anything as dumb-sounding as I.E.O.P is destined for failure. No, this is not a question of your virility, dumbass! It doesn't sound that stupid. Really. (International Ecliptic of Pancakes)
I.F.O.P. (International Field of Pancakes)
I.G.O.P. (International Graveyard of Pancakes)
I.H.O.P. Jesus Christ! I don't hop! What's wrong with you? Do you have a bunny fetish or something? Oh, alright... (International House of Pancakes) Duh...
I.I.O.P. (International Igloo of Pancakes)
I.J.O.P. (International Jungle of Pancakes)
I.K.O.P. I choose to ignore this one on the basis of religious differences.
I.L.O.P. (International Lithosphere of Pancakes)
I.M.O.P. Fuck you, I don't mop! What do you think I am, your house wench? Sorry to disappoint you, asshole! Wait... Oh shit, sorry... (International Moor of Pancakes)
I.N.O.P. (International Neutron of Pancakes)
I.O.O.P. (International Ocean of Pancakes)
I.P.O.P. (International Playground of Pancakes)
I.Q.O.P. I don't have a dictionary... The only one I can think of involves quail. My brain just made an unpleasant noise and is now trying to escape through my ear canal. Hold on, I really should do something about this...
I.R.O.P. (International Roost of Pancakes)
I.S.O.P. (International Shack of Pancakes)
I.T.O.P. Actually, I could go either way on the submission/domination thing. The only reason I am top right now is because you are utterly incompetent when it comes to dungeon play. Yes. You're right; the only reason I put that in is to embarrass you. I permit you to go sit in the corner now. (International Tunnel of Pancakes)
I.U.O.P. (International Umbra of Pancakes)
I.V.O.P. (Intergalactic Vortex of Pancakes)
I.W.O.P. (International Wasteland of Pancakes)
I.X.O.P. see I.Q.O.P. and insert Xylophone in the place of quail.
I.Y.O.P. (International Yard of Pancakes)
I.Z.O.P. (International Zoo of Pancakes)

Fangs Through Tofu

The Story of Vlados, the Vegan Vampire
by Matt Sullivan
illustration by Ans

It wasn't sunlight, a crucifix, running water, or a stake through the heart that killed vampire Count Vlados Consternatos - it was his idealism.

Vlados, 247, died Tuesday due to complications related to his refusal to drink blood. Perhaps the most shocking convert to veganism ever ("Even if Frank Purdue himself went vegan, he couldn't top Vlados", says Vegan 4 Life president Scott Timmer, a friend of the deceased), Vlados was converted to the cause by a couple of Birkenstock-wearing potential victims who showed him some persuasive pamphlets when he had them cornered.

"It was ironic, he planned to turn them into vampires," said Timmer, "instead, they turned him into a vegetarian."

So began the curious tale of a night stalker turned, well, (pause, because the bad pun is coming... NOW) celery stalker. By all accounts, Vlados learned to love eating vegetables - except, of course, garlic. "The way those fangs tore into rhubarb, dang!," remarked V4L member and Vlados pal Britton Flatley.

This lifestyle change came as a surprise to Louis, an old vampire buddy of Vlados' and the only ghoul who would speak on the record with us, who recalls Vlados as quite the carnivore in his time. "I can remember the days when Vlados thought that 'eating a vegetable' meant using the coma wing of the hospital as a suck-away buffet," he reminisces.

But Vlados became more adamant about his veggie ideology, despite the threat it posed to his health. He even took to wearing a cape made out of 100% hemp, and a T-shirt that boldly proclaimed "I'd rather take a stake in my heart than eat a steak."

Animal-rights activists and vegans publicly gloated over their coup of a convert. Vlados became a celebrity, partying with the likes of Kim Basinger, though it was difficult to exploit his fame for the cause. Plans for a massive PETA billboard and print ad campaign featuring Vlados were scrapped when officials realized that Vlados could not be photographed.

Recently, though, Vlados' health took a devastating turn for the worse. "He looked really pale," said Flatley. Thousands of activists donated blood to the Red Cross in Vlados' name, but vampire experts said a transfusion just isn't the same. "Zee vampire needs to suck zee blood out of a living creature's neck, preferably a human's," said Transylvania University vampirologist Professor Van Helsing VII, "Zeir donations were in vain... Get it, vein?"

In the end, as a current of V-8 fed to him intravenously pumped through his system, Vlados died peacefully. "His heart stopped," said Flatley. "Unfortunately, there's no such thing as a tofu jugular vein."

His death rocked the vegan community. "Only the good die young," said vegan guru Dan Cassidy (see related story, "Animal Wrongs") "I mean, he wasn't young, he was 247, but you know what I mean."

His funeral took place at midnight, to allow creatures of the evening the chance to attend, although no vampires chose to attend the last rites of the ostracized Vlados. "The fact that his so-called vampire buddies failed to represent for Vlados - I don't know how they can look themselves in the mirror!," said a clearly disgusted Timmer.

"Well, considering we don't cast a reflection, that isn't much of a problem," sniped a vampire spokesman, "Besides, I've been told I'm quite good-looking." Vlados' casket was covered with bumper stickers, flyers, and other vegan propaganda. "At least we didn't have to buy a coffin," noted Timmer, "It's like you or me getting buried on our futon."

As far as Vlados' legacy is concerned, many are divided about his place in history.

"This was so much bigger then that Reynolds kid revoking tobacco," said Timmer, "Vlados needed to drink blood to live. He's a martyr. There should be a Saint Vlados!"

But a vampire spokesperson openly mocked Vlados. "Saint Vlados? More like Uncle Vlados, that sell-out!" he said, "He sure put the 'die' back in 'diet,' that idiot! He could've lived forever! And think of the babes he could've had!" Timmer disagrees, arguing that opting out of immortality was what made Vlados so courageous. "He gave up immortality for integrity, and we love him for it," he said. " A lot of vampires never get anything done, because their immortality makes them procrastinate. He accomplished more in 247 years than other vampires do in an eternity."

"It's one thing to be 'undead'," continued Timmer, "It's another thing entirely to be alive. Vlados was alive, even more so than most humans.""Well, he's dead now," said a vampire spokesperson.

Vlados had no living relatives, since his family died in the late 1700s. They were murdered by Vlados in a rabid, bloody spree.  


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