SKIPPY RAINEY REVIEWS SOUND RECORDINGS

I never thought I'd have my own column in a respected national music magazine, much less Lollipop, but my older brother told me the response from my first review (the same one that got me my first C+ in Creative Writing) was galvanized or something. I looked up the word in the dictionary and it said "to cover with zinc to protect from moisture." I don't know why they'd do that, but I'm happy to see it's not getting wet. Anyway, my brother came into my room a couple weeks ago, dropped a stack of CDs on my bed, and said "Here. This should keep you busy. Stop calling my house." I must say, I'm surprised at how easy this rock critic thing is - except for the fact that I had to pay attention to the CDs so I could review them, it's been simple as pie. I'm not sure what kind of pie. Not pecan, that's for sure. They hurt my teeth.

Marianne Faithfull 20th Century Blues (RCA) - This woman looks familiar to me. Is she Courtney Love's mom? Maybe Courtney thought if she got her mom a record contract, she'd buy her some dresses that fit or something. These songs are kinda weird, slow and old-sounding and stuff. My brother told me they were written by some guy named Curt Vile. He's one of those death-metal guys, right? Isn't he in that Napalm Olive group? I think I understand now why those guys sing so fast, 'cause the words are kinda dumb, all about how sharp shark's teeth are and stuff. Well, duh! Anyway, my brother said that this woman used to go out with Mick Jagger. Whoever he is.

Bush Razorblade Suitcase (Trauma/Interscope) - Once again, these guys combine a truly original sound with a sense of... hey, wait a second! I just realized something! They're called Bush! Like, you know, a girl's whozitthingy? That's one of those double on tundras my brother keeps telling me about, isn't it? Bush! That's so cool!

Tricky Pre-Millennium Tension (Island) - The piece of paper that came with this called this "trip-hop." That reminds me of the time I played the Easter Bunny at my school, right, and I couldn't really see 'cause they only had one bunny costume and the eyeholes weren't high enough and stuff, so I tried to hippity-hop like I was told to do but I tripped and broke both my front teeth and that dumb kid Jimmy kept calling me "Broken Teeth," which I have to admit was pretty clever, and I kinda wet the bunny suit and stuff so they had to go get it dry-cleaned and my dad had to pay for it and then some guy stole it from the place and got arrested later 'cause I guess he cut a hole in it and used to go to the park and show people his... oh, darn, the CD's over already. It's pretty good, I guess.

Silverchair Freak Show (Sony) - These guys are so far beyond me it's amazing and things. I mean, it's like they're poets, you know, except they've got guitars. "No more maybes/ Babies got rabies" - I mean, like, wow. How they figured out how to rhyme those words is real cool, especially since my neighbor's little brother got bit by a dog once and that's just what happened. My neighbor's kinda fat, too, so that ties in to that great "Hey, Fat Boy" song they used to do. It's like they know me or something. I don't know how they do it. I think I'll probably understand when I get to be their age. But you know, when I'm their age they'll be older than I am and I'll be trying to catch up to that and I never will and stuff and it'll be like holding a carrot out of reach of a rabbit and stuff which brings me back to that whole Easter pageant thing. Which is what makes Silverchair so great. I guess.