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Mental Shrapnel | Bad Stripper Names | column | Lollipop

Mental Shrapnel

Lollipop has a long history of making fun of stupid people, stupid trends, over-hyped movies, TV shows, bands, and anything else we see.

There's no end to the things you can make fun of if you can stop giggling long enough to scribble a one-liner on one of the shut-off notices lying around. That's what they're there for.

Mental Shrapnel is a collection of the the weird mental connections you make and riff on with your friends and laugh until you pee. Do your friends think you're a riot? Well, that's why they're your friends. Send in your brain farts anyway.

By Ewan Wadharmi
illustration by Doug Mac



Good and Bad Stripper Names

Like musicians and prolific music critics, strippers – excuse me, "performance artists" – often adopt a stage name to spare their families undo shame. But truth in advertising is Lollipop's goal, and some overlooked names may be more appropriate. Here is full disclosure.

Cars

Good stripper names: Mercedes, Sable, Lexus, Sierra, Lotus

Bad stripper names: Explorer, Thing, Outback, Gremlin, Duster, Demon, Titan, Hummer, Willys, Packard, Woodie, Cutlass, Rolls, Escort, Ram, Probe

Liquor

Good stripper names: Courvoisier, Hennessy, Cristal, Tanqueray, Alize, Brandy, Absynthe, Chablis, Chardonnay

Bad stripper names: Old Crow, Old Grandad, Beefeater, Cabana Boy, Captain Morgan, Smuggler, Pig's Nose, Bunratty, Buffalo Trace, Black Bush, Red Breast, Blue Nun, Cockburns, Ficklin, Dry Sack, Pucker, Crater, Rumple Mintz, Brut

Spices

Good stripper names: Cinnamon, Saffron, Ginger, Jasmine

Bad stripper names: Nutmeg, Curry, Alum, Cumin, Anise, Dill, Cardamom

Flowers

Good stripper names: Rose, Jasmine, Lily, Lilac, Orchid, Lotus

Bad stripper names: Tulip, Flytrap, Goats Beard, Bush Monkey, Sugarbush, Tidy Tips, Beard Tongue, Prickly Pear, Cream Cups, Fleabane, Pussypaw, Spicebush, Fairy Duster, Mules Ears, Masterwort, Throatwort, Cockscomb, Golden Shower, Scabious, Red-Hot Poker, Monks Hood, Sword Lily, Turtle Head, Wormwood, Spurge

Colors

Good Stripper names: Magenta, Violet, Lavender, Cyan, Amber

Bad stripper names: Puce, Oyster, Salmon, Burnt Umber, Raw Sienna, Deep Ochre, Goldenrod, Peacock, Cozy Melon, Manly Tan, Nimbus White, Wattle, Van Dyke Brown


 


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